Is your sex life stuck in neutral? How to boost your libido
- Syna Gensterblum
- Nov 25, 2024
- 5 min read
Ever feel like your sex drive has a mind of its own? Like it's on a rollercoaster? Some days, you’re raring to go; other days, it’s as if your body has put up a “closed for business” sign. Don’t worry—this is completely normal.
Welcome to the Dual Control Model, a fascinating framework for understanding what gets you revved up and what slams on the brakes. It’s basically the science behind your sex drive. By the end of this guide, you’ll know why your libido sometimes feels like a smooth ride on the highway and other times like you’re stuck at every red light.
Gas Pedal and Brakes - Your Sexual Driving School
Imagine your brain as a car, and your sexual desire as the journey. Two systems control this ride:
The Gas Pedal or The Sexual Excitation System (SES): Your sexual accelerator. It notices everything that turns you on and says, “Let’s go!”
The Brakes or The Sexual Inhibition System (SIS): Your internal killjoy. It scans for reasons to stop, slow down, or stall completely.
These two systems don’t work in isolation, they work simultaneously. Your gas might be flooring it, but if your brakes are overly sensitive, you’re not getting anywhere. If you’re wondering how to boost libido, the trick is finding the right balance between pressing your gas pedal and easing off your brakes.
Gas Pedal Moments
Your SES is the part of your brain that gets you in the mood. It works by noticing cues in your environment, your body, and your emotions that signal “Let’s go.”
Your gas pedal is activated by things that make you feel safe, sexy, and connected. For example:
Romantic gestures: Your partner surprises you with flowers or plans a candlelit dinner. Gas pedal engaged!
Physical touch: A playful hug or a lingering kiss might have your mind drifting toward the bedroom.
Confidence boost: Wearing an outfit that makes you feel amazing can give your libido an instant lift.
Think of your gas pedal as your internal cheerleader. The more you nurture it, the easier it is to boost libido and feel ready for intimacy.
Those Pesky Brakes
If the gas pedal tells your body “Go,” your brakes are there to say, “Wait a minute, is this safe?”
The SIS is crucial for protecting you from harm. It’s what helps you avoid getting aroused in inappropriate or unsafe situations, like a public place or when you’re stressed. However, if your brakes are too sensitive, they can stop you from feeling arousal even when the conditions are ideal.
Now for the brakes—the things that throw cold water on your desire:
Stress overload: Imagine—you’re in bed, but all you can think about is that email you forgot to send. Brake alert!
Body image worries: Instead of enjoying the moment, you’re wondering if your partner noticed the cellulite on your thighs. (Spoiler: they didn’t, because they’re too busy loving you.)
Environmental distractions: Kids screaming in the next room? That’s not sexy; that’s survival mode.
The brakes aren’t your enemy—they’re there to protect you. But if they’re too sensitive, even a tiny trigger can stall your sex drive. Learning to minimize these brake triggers is key when figuring out how to boost libido.
Why Context Is Key to boost your libido
Context matters. The same physical touch or romantic gesture can have drastically different effects depending on the circumstances.
Gas-friendly context:A tropical vacation, no work emails, cocktails at sunset, and a partner who looks at you like you’re dessert. Libido: skyrocketing.
Brake-heavy context: Same hot partner, but this time you’re at home, exhausted, with laundry piled up and Netflix calling your name. Libido: nowhere to be found.
If you want to boost libido, learn how to drive by creating contexts that make your gas pedal thrive while calming your brakes. Maybe imagine you’re driving on a German Autobahn with no speed limit. It’s thrilling and fast—but if your brakes aren’t working, it’s a disaster waiting to happen. Balance is everything!
Common Misconceptions About Sexual Arousal
Many people assume that arousal is spontaneous, but the Dual Control Model reveals that it’s far more complex. Here are some myths debunked:
Myth 1: Arousal should happen automatically. In reality, it’s influenced by both internal and external factors—and brakes can overpower the gas pedal.
Myth 2: Low desire means something is wrong with you. Often, it just means your brakes are more sensitive or the context isn’t ideal.
Myth 3: Men and women experience arousal the same way. Both genders have SES and SIS, but the way these systems interact can differ based on hormones, past experiences, and personality.
So, What’s Your Driving Style?
Everyone’s gas pedal and brakes are unique. Some people have a turbocharged gas pedal (easily turned on), others have ultra-sensitive brakes (easily turned off), and most are somewhere in between, and that’s perfectly normal.
Figuring out your combination helps you navigate your sexual journey more smoothly.
Practical Tips to Tune Up Your Libido
Know Your Triggers:
- Gas pedal example: The smell of your partner’s cologne gives you butterflies.
- Brake example: A cluttered bedroom makes you feel overwhelmed.
Experiment with Context:
- Create environments where your gas pedal thrives—maybe a weekend getaway or simply locking the bedroom door for uninterrupted time.
- Pro tip: Schedule “sexy time.” It’s not unromantic—it’s proactive!
Tame the Brakes:
- Stress is a major buzzkill. Relaxation techniques like deep breathing, yoga, or a bubble bath can help.
- Real-life hack: Make your bedroom a tech-free, clutter-free zone.
Communicate with Your Partner:
- Share what revs your engine and what pulls the handbrake. Example: “When you surprise me with kisses while I’m cooking, it turns me on. But when we argue before bed, my brakes lock up.”
Seek Professional Support: if your brakes feel overpowering or your gas pedal seems stuck, a sex coach or therapist can provide personalized strategies.
Why Should You Care About Gas and Brakes?
The Dual Control Model isn’t about fixing you—it’s about understanding you. Everyone’s sexual response is a mix of gas and brakes, influenced by mood, environment, and emotions. Once you know your unique balance, you can create a love life that’s full of joy, excitement, and, yes, mind-blowing pleasure.
So,...
Stop blaming yourself (or your partner) when the mood doesn’t strike.
Create the right conditions for arousal to flourish.
Build a deeper, more playful connection with your partner.
By taking control of your sexual well-being you’ll be better equipped to navigate your desires and find creative ways to boost libido.
Think of this journey as a collaboration between your brain, body, and heart. With some practice and patience, you’ll soon discover that your love life can be more exciting, playful, and fulfilling than ever.
Ready to boost libido and reignite the spark? Start small: identify one gas pedal trigger and one brake, and talk about them with your partner. Who knows where the road will take you?
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